Will I Forget

As breath fails and body withers

As I transition to the ever after

Will I forget how much I love you?

Will I forget the laughter we’ve shared?

Those crucial moments that have forged our indelible bond?

In life, we’re exposed to many systems of belief and a sea of empty promises

Pedantic dogma to which people of reason cannot blindly subscribe or entertain

Tis hubris and folly to pretend to understand what lies across that final threshold

Although, admittedly, it is ever our responsibility to grasp at those straws

Humankind is just not that wise yet

To that end, although it offers no reassurance

I embrace the not knowing

All that is sure and assured is that I am here, in this moment, right now

Recognizing that precious and precarious truth

I find the courage to be my true self

I will seize this opportunity to confide that

I love you, and more

And will, for as long as I am able

The day will come when this fragile body fails and my soul departs

But even then, I will carry you with me

If not in memory, in the undeniable, transformative impact you’ve had on my being

There is no me without you

Or, rather, I would not be who I am without you

I will miss you, my love

Even if and when I lack the capacity to do so

Our bond has been etched upon my being, my soul

And your presence has enriched my life in countless ways

For that, I will be forever grateful

Even in the lack of that capacity

One truth we can understand is that energy cannot be created or destroyed

But it does change forms

Beyond this primitive collection of cells that exist with shared purpose

We are beings of light and energy

A soul, a spirit, a consciousness… undefinable

That must somehow transcend and persevere

As temporal forms fail, our essence must go out

To find and join that mysterious beyond

Which leads me to wonder…

What is that transition like?

Perhaps it’s a moment of pure bliss

Absolute understanding and recognition and appreciation

Of purpose fulfilled

Or will we instead find regret…

Perhaps we will focus on what is lost or incomplete

Or maybe, we will feel a sense of atonement and acceptance…

For the struggle and perseverance of a life, endured

Or maybe it’s more simple

An ending of sorts

Absolute closure

The end of caring, the end of fear, the end of doubt

That brings a momentary gift of understanding, and relief

Whatever that moment affords us, whenever it finds me

It will not change or remove the connection between you and I

As I leave this world, if indeed I leave first

Be assured that I leave it better for having known you

Tears may come, but don’t waste those on regret

For what may have been said or done differently

Be assured, the image I carry of you is so perfectly formed

So perfectly loved…

That I would have it no other way

You will always be my son, my daughter, my lover, my parent or my beloved sister

Nothing that has happened or will happen

Can detract from or diminish what you have meant to me

The living shall bear the burden of remembrance

Wisdom and perspective… those belong only to those who’ve moved on

I hope you find some solace in knowing that…

Wherever I am

I finally understand

And I have found peace

As you and others gather to say goodbye

Please know that I love and appreciate each of you

And the moments we shared were not in vain

Though you may reap the pain of loss

Find a way to sow those bittersweet fields of gratefulness

For the opportunity to have shared time

To have shared love

If you find yourself mired in the unspoken communion of lament

Please be assured that you are not alone

For even as we must all someday depart

Our connection remains, and there are many new ones that have yet to take form

You can honor me by carrying the best parts of us forward

Let our love for each other continue to be a light in this world

A glimmer of hope that allows you to more deeply treasure each relationship, moving forward

Perhaps you will be more present, and notice and appreciate those poignant moments

And occasionally, perhaps… you will pause

To appreciate the moments we shared, as they come

Perhaps you’ll think of me, and smile

Don’t let the memories of our time together pull you out to sea

But rather, let them crash over you like waves to the shore

And though we may not be able to laugh together again

Be assured that our souls remain entwined

Never to be unbound

Because of you, my heart is full

And wherever I am

Even if I am alone in the cold dark

I carry you with me

And I will fill the void with our love