A groan is just as good as a laugh. And sometimes, even better. Enjoy!

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We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

But have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?

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Yeah… it’s thinly sliced cabbage.

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Why is it we never see elephants hiding in trees?

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Because they’re so damn good at it.

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What do you call a hippie’s wife?

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Mississippi

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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

(Wait for them to say ARRR)

You’d think it’d be ARR, but their first love be the CEEE..

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What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
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All those seals!

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Why don’t crabs give to charity?
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Because they’re just a little shellfish.

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I recently wrote a song about eating a tortilla.

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Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

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Did you hear that scientists just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart?

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They say it’s a real blast from the past.

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Did you hear about the pterodactyl hatchling that fell out of the nest?

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He was just a little saur.

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I got a new Xbox Series X for my son last week…

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Best trade ever.

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What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

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Live stream.

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Did you know I spent most of quarantine crushing Coke cans on my back deck?
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Yep. It was “soda pressing”.

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What kind of dog can do magic?

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A Labracadabrador.

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A man walks into an apiary and asks to buy a dozen bees.

Beekeeper replies, “Sure, I’ll even throw in a 13^th as a freebie…”

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What’s brown and sticky?

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A stick. 

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

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A fsh.

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
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A carrot. 

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Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?

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The I.C.U.

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The rotation of earth really makes my day.

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Did you know that I once had a pretty severe addiction to the Hokey Pokey?

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Thankfully, I turned myself around.

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My friend gave birth to her son in the backseat of a car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid ‘Carson’ and if you don’t think that’s the best dad joke ever please leave my presence immediately.

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I started reading this super intense horror novel written in Braille.

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Something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.

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How do you make holy water?

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Boil the hell out of it.

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My wife loves it when I blow cold air on her when she’s gets too hot.

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Personally, I’m not a fan.

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What’s blue and not heavy?

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Light blue.

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My wife recently ran off with a tractor salesman.

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She left me a John Deere letter.

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I actually taught myself to moonwalk during the quarantine!

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It was going pretty well at first, but lately it just seems like I’m going backwards.

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What happens when frogs park illegally?

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They get toad.

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Where are average things made?

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The satisfactory.

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Scientists finally invented a pen that writes underwater!

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Yeah… it writes all sorts of other words as well

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Just a reminder, you should never scream into a colander.

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That’s a good way to strain your voice.

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Why can’t dinosaurs laugh?

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Because they’re extinct, silly.

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

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Doesn’t matter what you call it… it ain’t comin’!

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Be careful, someone has been stealing the wheels off police cars in this area.

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Yeah… the cops are working tirelessly to arrest him.

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As a prank, I switched all the labels in my wife’s spice rack.

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I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

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What do you call crows that stick close together?

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Velcrows.

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How much drugs did Charlie Sheen do in the early 2000’s?

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Enough to kill ‘Two and a Half Men’

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I recently took a business trip to Oklahoma, but I didn’t really care for it.

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Yeah… it was just OK.

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I asked my Dad why he bought his new boat, and he said ‘There was a sail’.

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Boss: ‘I find it suspicious that you call in sick to work all week but still somehow manage to party over the weekend’

Me: ‘Hmm.. that IS strange. Maybe it’s my weekend immune system.’

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How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

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One of them you’ll see later. The other, after a while.

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Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

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Because then it’d be a foot.

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What kind of socks do grizzlies where?

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None. They have bear feet.

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A bear and a rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods.

Bear (whispers): ‘Hey, uh… Mr. Rabbit. Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?’

Rabbit: ‘What?! Gross! No! No, I don’t have that problem.’

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit

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My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled.
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I said, “I dunno, babe. I think most kids smell that way.”

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Two bulls were standing at the top of a large bluff overlooking a lush, green pasture filled with of cows.

Young Bull: ‘Hey Dad! How about we run down the mountain and a f**k one of those cows?!’

Papa Bull: ‘No, son. Let’s walk down… and f**k them all.’

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