Category: Uncategorized

Time To Go, Joe

Hi Joe,
Hey. I get it. No one wants to admit when it’s time to go. That’s probably the toughest of all pills to swallow, especially for someone who’s achieved so much. As we ascend so shall we decline. Different people at different times… it’s the natural order of things. I turn 50 next week… and just typing that sentence makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I’ll soon be reaching a point in my life where they can no longer in good conscience even refer to me as ‘middle-aged’, which is a label each time I hear feels like a slap right across the face. So although I don’t know you personally… I get the resistance. Rage against the dying of the light, and so on. Politics is a tough and divisive gig, and after spending a lifetime doing it you’ve become one of the most powerful, well-liked and respected people in the world. You’ve accomplished great things, especially and most recently within your term in office. I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say your candidacy in 2020 saved America. Now I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to do the most difficult, patriotic and self-less thing of all. Step down, please. I know it doesn’t feel right because you’re a fighter. You’ve certainly shown that, and we’ve definitely needed that from you. I also know the attacks and insults from the other side have gotten provocatively personal. Like most of us, you see this charlatan as the existential threat he is to democracy. I understand you want to stop him as badly as anyone else, I see how important this fight is to you… and that it’s not in your nature to back down from a bully. Unfortunately, the best way for you to fight him right now is to stop fighting. You’ve done enough, friend. Let someone else take up the mantle. I hate that I have ask this of you, especially after all you’ve done, but please know that I do so with great respect and deference. You climbed that hill. You are the light. Thank you for a lifetime of service.
Respectfully,
A Concerned Voter

Someday

The first to fall, the first to share

But someday you will meet me there

As falling leaves me up the path

I have not fear, regret, nor wrath

For I see your heart, such beauty, true

How could I not fall for you?

So please forgive my lack of grace

As I now stand vigil in this place

In strength, not weakness, due to care

And when you’re ready… find me there

Throw A Blanket On Me

Remember that feeling
Of being tucked in?
That blanket pulled tight
Right under your chin?
In that half slumber
Knowing love and such grace
That your cynicism now
Even dare not replace?
Well, we’re all still that child
Even as we have grown
We’re all still that vulnerable
We’re all still alone
Our journey is fraught
At times cruel and unfair
We could all use a hand
That’s more often not there
But for the sake of my child
And yours, let’s agree
To care for each other
Throw a blanket on me

Best Dad Jokes EVAR

A groan is just as good as a laugh. And sometimes, even better. Enjoy!

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We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

But have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?

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Yeah… it’s thinly sliced cabbage.

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Why is it we never see elephants hiding in trees?

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Because they’re so damn good at it.

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What do you call a hippie’s wife?

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Mississippi

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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

(Wait for them to say ARRR)

You’d think it’d be ARR, but their first love be the CEEE..

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What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
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All those seals!

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Why don’t crabs give to charity?
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Because they’re just a little shellfish.

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I recently wrote a song about eating a tortilla.

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Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

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Did you hear that scientists just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart?

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They say it’s a real blast from the past.

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Did you hear about the pterodactyl hatchling that fell out of the nest?

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He was just a little saur.

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I got a new Xbox Series X for my son last week…

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Best trade ever.

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What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

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Live stream.

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Did you know I spent most of quarantine crushing Coke cans on my back deck?
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Yep. It was “soda pressing”.

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What kind of dog can do magic?

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A Labracadabrador.

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A man walks into an apiary and asks to buy a dozen bees.

Beekeeper replies, “Sure, I’ll even throw in a 13th as a freebie…”

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What’s brown and sticky?

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A stick. 

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

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A fsh.

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
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A carrot. 

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Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?

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The I.C.U.

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The rotation of earth really makes my day.

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Did you know that I once had a pretty severe addiction to the Hokey Pokey?

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Thankfully, I turned myself around.

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My friend gave birth to her son in the backseat of a car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid ‘Carson’ and if you don’t think that’s the best dad joke ever please leave my presence immediately.

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I started reading this super intense horror novel written in Braille.

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Something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.

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How do you make holy water?

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Boil the hell out of it.

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My wife loves it when I blow cold air on her when she’s gets too hot.

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Personally, I’m not a fan.

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What’s blue and not heavy?

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Light blue.

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My wife recently ran off with a tractor salesman.

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She left me a John Deere letter.

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I actually taught myself to moonwalk during the quarantine!

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It was going pretty well at first, but lately it just seems like I’m going backwards.

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What happens when frogs park illegally?

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They get toad.

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Where are average things made?

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The satisfactory.

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Scientists finally invented a pen that writes underwater!

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Yeah… it writes all sorts of other words as well

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Just a reminder, you should never scream into a colander.

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That’s a good way to strain your voice.

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Why can’t dinosaurs laugh?

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Because they’re extinct, silly.

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

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Doesn’t matter what you call it… it ain’t comin’!

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Be careful, someone has been stealing the wheels off police cars in this area.

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Yeah… the cops are working tirelessly to arrest him.

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As a prank, I switched all the labels in my wife’s spice rack.

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I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

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What do you call crows that stick close together?

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Velcrows.

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How much drugs did Charlie Sheen do in the early 2000’s?

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Enough to kill ‘Two and a Half Men’

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I recently took a business trip to Oklahoma, but I didn’t really care for it.

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Yeah… it was just OK.

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I asked my Dad why he bought his new boat, and he said ‘There was a sail’.

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Boss: ‘I find it suspicious that you call in sick to work all week but still somehow manage to party over the weekend’

Me: ‘Hmm.. that IS strange. Maybe it’s my weekend immune system.’

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How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

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One of them you’ll see later. The other, after a while.

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Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

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Because then it’d be a foot.

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What kind of socks do grizzlies where?

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None. They have bear feet.

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A bear and a rabbit were pooping next to each other in the woods.

Bear (whispers): ‘Hey, uh… Mr. Rabbit. Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?’

Rabbit: ‘What?! Gross! No! No, I don’t have that problem.’

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit

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My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled.
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I said, “I dunno, babe. I think most kids smell that way.”

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Two bulls were standing at the top of a large bluff overlooking a lush, green pasture filled with of cows.

Young Bull: ‘Hey Dad! How about we run down the mountain and a f**k one of those cows?!’

Papa Bull: ‘No, son. Let’s walk down… and f**k them all.’

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My bad. I Twittered.

Do you know the old saying about a blind squirrel?

Well... Behold!  My NUTS!

Wait, that can't be right...

Best Playlist EVAR

Have you ever watched a movie on mute? It’s just not the same. Sure, the splashy visuals of explosions and beautiful people are still cool and interesting, but you need the sound to really convey the emotion. We’re subconsciously affected by those audio cues that tell us through our shared experience when to laugh or to cry or to be scared.

Music is like magic. It has the transcendent power to connect us with our inner self. Each song we connect with takes on it’s own special meaning, and through our shared love of these songs we connect with each other. If you pay close attention, how you react to a song can teach you a lot about yourself. Maybe you’re reminded of someone you once knew or some specific place or time in your life. Maybe it’s more vague, something you once felt, an echo or call back to an emotion long dormant but never forgotten. Maybe it even connects with something you’re feeling right now but can’t put into words.

Below are a few playlists I’ve collected over the years inspired by chapters or themes in music history or by people or events I’ve encountered along my own journey. Whether you’re feeling whimsical, sad or silly… I hope you find something that meets you where you are, reminds you of where we were, or perhaps even takes you where you would like to be.

AutoCorrect Butt-Text

So this is awkward but my butt sent me a text filled with the Autocorrect composition below and I’m pretty sure it’s a MESSAGE from the beyond.

hey man i was a good time i is that you are coming home 🏡 is the day i i will you like a great 👍 way home game for a good night out there for me haha 😆 is that the way to do that you can do a better life than your life you are not going through the same things over and youcan do that you are not going through your own and i is that we can get the same thing to come back so i will you get us a new home 🏡 this week we are all about it haha 😆 was a way to go homecoming😋🙃🙃🧐🙂🤨😋🤨🙃😋🙂🤪😇🤨😋🤣🤨☺️🤨😋🤨🙃🤨🤨🙃🤨🙃🤨🤨😋😋🙃😋🤨🤨🙂🧐🤨😦🤬🤬😥😧🥶🤤😴😴🥶😳🤤😳🤤🤤🎃👍🤖👽☠️😽👻👽💀😼😼👽🤲🏻😼😼💀😼👺☠️😼☠️😼😾👻👿👿💩👿😈👿😈👿👿👿😈👿😴😯🤕😮👻😪👿😮👿😪🤒🏡 is a fun day and the home owoeueyeuiwyy was one day we were goingthrough the same thing we had to do it all we can go there we were reuueyrtrueu we had a urieueyeeueyeu we had a good night 😴 was we all had a great time there we are all the best and queues are we will definitely go there to get them to our next week we will always have thesame experience with them all our love and the best way to get the team we will be back to try the next time i is we get the kids and we will be there for our kids and we have wiwiwiwiwuwu our day and they will always be there for

Well, what do you know? As it turns out, my ass is far out.